Scratch
by Tanz
Summary: So here I was a snivelling pathetic mess, hiding in a closet'MD One Shot


**Scratch**

'_I wanted to tell you I'd changed; I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time..'_

Crap. One word that pretty much sums up my existence. Meredith Grey who has crappy Daddy and Mommy issues and crappy abandonment issues. Meredith grey who makes crappy decisions. Really crappy stupid bad decisions. Decisions that had led me here. Here being curled up in the corner of a laundry closet trying very very unsuccessfully not to break.

I am not a stupid person; a stupid person does not make it through four years of college then med school and an internship. No, I am not stupid. I am however, emotionally stunted, or as it has been referred to, dark and twisty, and as I mentioned earlier, this aspect of myself has led me to make some very bad decisions. Like pushing him away. Like not telling him that he is the love of my life. He is. Of that, I am certain, but the stupidest, the absolute most ridiculous, was telling him he should date. I did that. Me. And now he is. And I have nobody to blame but me.

I want to hate her. I do. If not for any other reason than that she gets to be with him. Have fun with him, be normal with him, in a way that I don't think we ever were. Things were never normal with us. We never had that easy type of relationship. But I find that I can't hate her. She is a nice person. Funny and sweet and pretty. So I don't hate her, even if I want to. I just wasn't ready to see what I just saw. Her. Him. Together. Laughing and touching and talking. And him looking at her. I mean LOOKING at her. Not quite with our look, but close. Too close.

I just froze. I mean literally stop in my tracks froze. I probably looked ridiculous just standing there, but they were right in front of me, at the nurse's station, which makes sense since she is a nurse. I don't know how long I stood there like that, unable to move or speak or breathe, because God it HURT. It hurt more than I thought it would. Hearing about it through the hospital gossip was bad enough, but actually seeing it shattered what was left of my heart. I was startled out of my painful musings by a harried nurse, who bumped me, sending papers scattering to the ground in all directions.

Feeling mortified, because damn it he had to have seen me now, I quickly started gathering the strewn papers. I could feel his eyes on me and I really didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't, but since when did things go the way that I wanted them to? I looked up and he was right there, hand extended, offering me the paper he had collected. I had avoided eye contact, taking the paper and focusing on getting the notes back into order. I had to talk. Had to say something. "Uh...Thanks...I have to go...away" I had muttered. Then he touched me, a hand on my arm. "Meredith" He said my name. In the way that only he can, and I had to look at him.

I finally looked into his eyes. I saw pain. I saw hurt. I saw sadness. My fault. All my fault. I did that to him. I put those emotions there. I hated myself in that moment. More than I ever have before. All I wanted was to make it go away. "It's okay Derek. It's really okay" I whispered to him. I then gently extracted myself from his grasp. Looking into his eyes, I couldn't read them. The emotions that had been there seconds ago were gone. I tried to smile for him but I could feel the tears rising in my throat. I had to get out of there. "Be happy" I choked, before almost running in the other direction, away from him and the audience we had attracted.

So here I was, a sniveling pathetic mess, hiding in a closet. And it is all my fault. If I had just told him. Not been so scared. Let him in. I should have. Should have. Should have. Too late now. I would get up soon. I would get up and pull myself together. Put on my mask for the world. Insist I was fine, but for now I want to fall apart, because I think I am entitled. I'm pretty sure I've lost the love of my life. He found someone that could give him the things that I couldn't. The really crappy thing? I think I'm ready. I really think I was ready to give him all those things. I made him wait too long and now he is gone, and I have to deal with it. I did the noble thing. I let him go. That is the last thing I can do for him, my final gift.

I probably looked like crap. I am not a pretty crier. I couldn't hide in here all day. I had patients. And friends that were probably having panic attacks if they had heard what had gone down, which knowing this place, they probably had. I had things to do. Important things. I had to get up, put on a brave face and get out there. I was just about to go and do it, to open the door, when it flew open and Derek stormed in, and slammed the door behind him. I looked up at him, surprise and shock written all over my face. He looked mad, really mad. "Be happy?" he spat at me, venom in his eyes. I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off. "Do you know how ridiculous those word's are, coming from your mouth?" he hissed. I stepped back, feeling like I had been punched in the stomach.

"I…I'm sorry…I just want you…" I trailed off as he took a step toward me. "I am not happy Meredith. I am not happy, I am miserable. I'm trying to distract myself and it's not working. I'm dragging that poor woman into this mess to make myself feel better and it's not fair, because I love you. I love you so much and I don't know how to stop. So do not tell me to be happy, because I can't" he said, his voice low and guttural.

I can feel the tears trickling down my face, as I look at him. His eyes, those perfect baby blues, are so miserable. I take a step toward him and am pathetically relieved when he doesn't move. "I am so so sorry. I never meant…I didn't want to do this. To drag you into my pathetic existence. It's not fair…you're right. I don't deserve…you are so good and I don't…I don't deserve you, but I need you to know, I just…I love you. So much. You are…you are the love of my life, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Derek." I manage to choke out, my eyes downcast, because I can't bear to look at him. To see how much I have hurt him. Suddenly his arms are around me and I am crushed to his chest. I let out the breath that I didn't realize I was holding, and a sharp sob escapes past my lips. His arms are so tight around me that I can hardly breathe, but I don't care. This is where I want to be. He pulls back just enough so he can look me in the eyes.

He is crying. I've never seen him cry. I know he has. He did when I drowned, but I didn't see it. I reach up to brush his tears away and his hands cover mine. His voice cracks as he begins to speak. "Do you know… how long I have waited to hear you say that to me? You are wrong. So wrong. You deserve me. We deserve to be happy. After everything… we deserve each other. I need to know though…are you sure? Really sure that you want this? Because I can't… I can't go through this again Meredith… I can't…" This time it was me who cut him off. "Yes. I want this. I want us. I'm sorry it took me so long, but I am ready. I want everything with you" I say. He is still. Silent. I start to get nervous but then he is kissing me and I swear to God it's like coming home.

I kiss him with everything that I have, trying to convey to him what I can't say in words. We break off, breathless and he rests his forehead on mine, our arms still wrapped tightly around each other. This is love. This is that thing that I never thought I could have. That thing that I never thought I deserved. This is happily ever after.


End file.
